No Ordinary Day
by StarsUpAbove
Summary: JJ finally felt like she was having a normal day, until one tragic event turns her life upside down. JJ and the team learn even the strongest people break sometimes. Who will be there to pick up the pieces? Starts out as a JJ/Hotch friendship...Last two chapters are new!
1. Prolouge

-1A/N: For the purposes of this story JJ and Will had a little girl not a boy and her name is Cate. Don't hate me AJ Cook's son is so adorable but for this story a little girl just fit. In this story JJ never left the show, she belongs there even if the network can't see it. This story is also an AU set about six months after episode 100.

Disclaimer: Sadly I own nothing expect for characters not in the actual show

No Ordinary Day

JJ's day had started out normal, for once there was no frantic phone call waking her about a case. It did help that here team was on stand down for a week due to the last case lasting an entire week.

She was hoping to come home to her husband and daughter last night however, Will was on a case of his own. Him and his partner were on a stakeout and he hoped he would be tonight. So JJ spent last night with Cate. They played soccer in the yard, JJ made her favorite dinner (mac and cheese), and they finished off the night watching Finding Nemo (Cate's favorite movie).

JJ went to bed happy and woke up happy. Though there was something that just didn't feel right that morning but she pushed it down because she was enjoying being happy

The team had all collectively decided to do an early morning briefing in hopes of getting out of there at a decent hour. So there they sat at 9:00am going over various cases. JJ distributed all that needed to go out and Hotch covered a few various topics. They went over who had custodial interviews, lectures, and classes. Over all they were hoping for a quiet week of paperwork but they were all about to find out they were very wrong.

Just as the briefing was ending Chief Strauss walked in the conference room.

"Agent Hotcher, Agent Rossi I need to speak to you both in private"

Both agents looked at each other, she came to them this could not be good. Hotch led her from the room to his office as Rossi followed.

"What's that all about?" Morgan asked looking at JJ, in fact they were all looking at her.

"Your guess is as good as mine and frankly I don't think that I want to know," JJ replied.

They all nodded and headed to their respective work spaces knowing today would be anything but ordinary or quiet.

JJ started to feel that pit in her stomach again but she quickly brushed it off thinking to herself that she would be happy. What she didn't know was her world was about to come crashing down.


	2. No Ordinary Day

Chapter 1 No Ordinary Day

JJ felt like it happened in slow motion. She watched as Rossi walked down to the bullpen to talk to everyone. Then as Hotch and Chief Strauss walked back into the conference room.

"What's going on Hotch?"

JJ looked from him to Strauss knowing there was something up.

"JJ I think you should sit down"

He tried knowing it wouldn't work. JJ looked to Strauss trying to get a read on the situation.

"Agent Jareau we have some news for you, you should really sit down."

They were both freaking her out. There tones held no authority but sadness.

"Hotch what is going on?"

She asked again feeling more nervous but she kept her tone composed.

"JJ it's Will…."

Hotch started trying to gauge her reaction. The panic was rising in here as she pulled out her Blackberry now noticing that there were three missed calls from the DCPD. She didn't speak so Hotch continued.

"From what we understand the stakeout he was on panned out on finding their murder suspect. They called for back up, him and his partner headed into the house. There was a struggle and Will was shot. JJ I'm sorry he bled out at the scene."

JJ was staring at her PDA up until those last words Hotch said hit her. As she looked up it was written all over his face. All of a sudden she couldn't breathe and needed to sit down. As she tried to move her knees buckled beneath her.

Hotch caught her as she fell into his embrace. He led her to a chair making her put her head between her legs to stop her current panic attack. He rubbed her back slowly to get her to calm down. Strauss nodded towards him and left knowing he had this under control.

Strauss walked towards a very concerned team, "Your team will be on stand down for the next two weeks as I am sure Agent Jareau will need your support." With that she walked away.

JJ's breathing was finally returning to normal. She lifted her head up and looked at Hotch. He could tell she was in shock still.

"Tell me it's not true."

This was killing him, she was practically pleading.

"I'm sorry JJ I wish I could," he said taking her hand.

"I need to see him. I need to see it with my own eyes."

"Okay we'll take you. JJ where is Cate right now?"

"She is at home with Sara"

JJ hadn't even thought of Cate, this all felt like some kind of surreal dream. She hadn't even notice that the rest of the team walked in. But thinking of her little girl and the fact that neither one of them would see Will again was making her feel sick. At that she ran our of the room.

A/N: I know JJ is normally a pretty tough cookie but there are things that happen in life that can break even the strongest people. You can support other people and it affects you but when it is your own people it is a whole different ballgame. Thanks for all the reviews and alerts! I am kind of new to this so I haven't quite figured out to respond yet J


	3. Responsibilities

-1Chapter 2 Responsibilities

Hotch had a feeling it was coming, sending Emily and Penelope after her he looked at the rest of his team. The sad part of all this is that they had already been through this once with him when Haley died only six months ago.

"She wants to see him I don't think this is really going to set in until she does. I'm going to call the police chief. I am hoping it's the hospital we are taking her to not the morgue"

"What about Cate?"

Reid was the first to ask what they were all thinking.

"She is at home with Sara. I didn't get much farther with her before she ran out of the room."

* * *

Emily and Penelope knew where to find JJ before even looking. They walked into the ladies room to JJ splashing cold water on her face. There was this disconnected look in her blue eyes that neither of them had seen before.

"Hey sweetie," Garcia started willing her own tears to wait.

"Hey," JJ looked at them with tears starting to form but she refused to let them fall. She looked at Penelope, "Can you and Reid please go stay with Cate? I need to know she is safe with you so I can try to sort this out. You can take my car so you have a car seat just in case."

"Whatever you need sweetie."

Penelope and Emily followed JJ to her office. JJ silently dug through her purse retrieving keys and handing them to Garcia. She said nothing just sat down at her desk staring at the family photo of her, Will, and Cate that had been taken only a few weeks ago.

Garcia pulled Emily out of the room, "She is freaking me out."

Emily put her hand on Penelope's arm, "She is in shock. It hasn't hit her yet. You and Reid take care of Cate and we'll take care of her. We'll meet you at JJ's in a little bit."

"She is going to be ok right?"

Garcia was not good at this part she needed Emily's reassurance and strength.

"We're all going to be there for her. Okay isn't going to come for awhile but it will eventually"

At that Garcia walked away in search of Reid. She found him and Morgan in the bullpen quietly talking.

"How is she doing?" Morgan asked.

"She is numb. I don't think I have ever seen her like this. Reid she wants us to stay with Cate until she comes home."

Reid walked out of the bullpen towards JJ's office. Garcia knew he needed to make sure she was alright before they left. With only Morgan there Garcia's tears fell freely for her friend who was hurting so badly. Morgan just hugged her because that was all he could do.

* * *

Emily knelt in front of JJ taking her hands, "Sweetie do you need anything?"

JJ looked at her wanting to break down but she just couldn't yet, "Just don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere, none of us are."

"I need to see him myself because this doesn't feel real. I can't wrap my mind around it."

"I'm pretty sure Hotch is figuring that out right now."

At that point Reid walked in and Emily decided to step out so they could have a moment.

"Hey"

"Hi"

He hugged her tightly because at that point there were no words for what she was going through.

"I can't do this yet," she whispered.

"I know and that's ok."

"Will you go with Garcia to Cate please?"

"Of course, anything you need."

Emily watched as Reid and Garcia got on the elevator as Hotch, Morgan, and Rossi walked towards her.

"We're ready if she is," Rossi said.

"Please tell me we are going to the hospital, I don't think she can handle the morgue," Emily told them.

"We're going to the hospital, the police chief was just about to come here to see her but seeing as she wants to see Will it isn't necessary." Hotch said back to Emily.

"Are we really sure this is a good idea?" Morgan voiced the one thing that they had all been thinking.

"It isn't up to us it is up to her. All we can do is be there to catch her when she falls," Rossi replied silently agreeing with Morgan that this wasn't a good idea.

None of them noticed that JJ had been standing in the doorframe of her office listening to their whole conversation. She couldn't help thinking maybe they were right but it just didn't feel real. She knew she needed to do this not knowing what her reaction would be. Right now she was just numb, she didn't feel strong and confident like she normally did right now she felt weak and vulnerable.

Taking a shaky breath she decided to make herself known, "I'm ready."

They all turned in shock each silently cursing themselves for not noticing that she was there.

"JJ…." Emily started but only to be cut off by her.

"Please can we just go?"

It was more of a statement than a question because JJ walked toward the elevator. They all followed suit with her. As she went to push the elevator button her hands were shaking so badly that she couldn't push it. Morgan reached over pushing the button with one hand while taking her hand in the other. JJ was grateful she didn't like the feeling she was having. When she looked up at Morgan none of them liked what they saw. The light that was normally in her fiery blue eyes was now gone and replaced with this vacant look that none of them had ever seen before.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the inconsistant scenes in the last few chapters everytime I post I learn new things about editing. Thanks for all the story alerts and reviews they help to keep me writing :) The next few chapters will be intense as we see JJ's grief, but you got to get through the tough stuff to get to the happy sometimes...


	4. Say It's Not So

Chapter 3: Say It's Not So

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I own nothing except for characters that aren't in the show

* * *

JJ barely remembered the car ride to the hospital or the team leading her to the emergency room. As she walked in and saw half of DCPD's finest in the waiting room and that overwhelming feeling started to consume her again. She could hear people talking around her but she couldn't understand what they were saying. Dan, Will's partner, had come up to her with the Chief of Police. As the chief spoke JJ couldn't help but wonder why Dan stood in front of her at that moment but Will did not. The thought was still too much to bear that he was gone.

"JJ," Hotch said a little louder touching her arm this time to get her attention. She had not responded the first three times he said her name and that was concerning to him.

"Sorry, what is it?"

"If you're ready the nurse said you could go in."

JJ stared at the door for about a minute before she pushed it open and walked in. The door closed quietly behind her. Inside she walked up to his body, it just look liked he was sleeping she thought. As she touched his hand she truly felt how cold and lifeless his body was.

Outside of the door Hotch, Emily, Dave, and Morgan stood neither of them knowing if it was a good idea for her to be in there alone but they would do this her way. Of all the horrific and devastating things they saw on a regular basis nothing could have prepared them for what happened next.

After touching his hand it hit her, the reality of the fact that he was actually gone. He would never smile, tell he loved her, or touch her ever again. That in itself pushed JJ to a place she had never been before, a deep dark hole that was now part of her heart, this is why she had always ran because she was afraid of being hurt.

"Nooooooooooooooooo"

From outside the door they all heard the blood curdling no that JJ had screamed as the fact that Will was gone finally hit here. At that point Morgan couldn't take it anymore he couldn't leave her alone to deal with this. The others felt the same way and followed him.

Morgan walked over to JJ and put his hand on her arm. She turned to him with fear and panic in her eyes.

"This isn't true!" she told him pointing to Will's body.

"It is true JJ."

She looked at him then, knowing he was right was too much. Morgan wanted to pull her into a hug but she fought him, hitting her fists against yelling, "No, no, this can't be happening we were supposed to get married. In two months we are supposed walk down the aisle and now he's…."

JJ couldn't finish her thought, she could not say those words, all the anger she had dissipated as her body racked itself with sobs as she clung to Morgan's chest.

"Shhh, you're okay, I got you sweetie," Morgan held her tightly glad that she finally gave into the grief. He didn't mind that she took out her rage on him, he was twice her size and could take it but he hated that she was going through this.

Emily watched in shock as JJ rapidly went through the all the emotions she had been holding in for the last two hours. She could compartmentalize on a good day but today this was too much watching her friend go through the one thing that she had always feared most. Swiping tears she told herself that she could not do this not now JJ needed her.

Dave on the other hand wasn't shocked at how JJ reacted in the least. She was right this was not supposed to happen she was on her way to happily ever after. What did unnerve him was that they normally strong, confident woman he was accustomed to seeing was nowhere to be found right now.

Hotch had stepped out to talk to the police chief about the details of the case and how arrangements were to be handled. He needed to do something at that moment because he couldn't just stand there and watch the strongest woman he knew break into pieces. All of it made him think of Haley but he couldn't do that right now JJ needed him.

Morgan exchanged a look with Emily and Dave that spoke volumes that maybe getting JJ out of here would be the best idea.

Emily walked up to where Morgan and JJ were touching her friends shoulder she spoke softly, "JJ why don't we take you home so you can see Cate and rest?"

JJ pulled away from Morgan slightly, her crying slowed but her tears were still there, "Oh God, Cate, how am I going to tell her?" she asked as her tears started to come faster.

Dave took one of her hands, "You will find a way and we'll all be right there with you."

JJ nodded wiping away tears letting Dave and Emily lead her from the room and down the corridor out of the hospital. Morgan followed behind them, as he walked out of the room he met Hotch's stare and shook his head.

* * *

When they arrived at JJ's Penelope met them at the door and looks on all their faces told her that the last few hours had been rough at best. JJ walked in not saying anything at all and that worried her greatly. JJ met Sara's sympathetic look as she walked into the living room. She had taken care of Cate since she was one for Will and JJ now she was almost four. They were her family as much as her real family was.

"Where's Cate?" JJ asked her wanting so much for this nightmare to be over so she could wake up and everything could be back to normal.

"She's outside teaching Dr. Reid how to play soccer. She doesn't know anything yet we played it off as this just being a special visit from her godparents." Sara took JJ's hand squeezing it in support.

JJ smiled slightly at this because Reid was about as uncoordinated as they came yet every time he came over Cate tried to teach him how play, "Can you get her and bring her inside so I can talk to her."

"Sure"

Knowing this would take a few minutes JJ wanted to go change, her clothes felt like they had death on them. Hotch stopped her for a moment, "JJ is there anyone that we can call?"

JJ had been so consumed in her own grief that she had forgotten about Will's family and her own they both needed to be called. She knew if she made two phones calls, one to Will's brother and one to her mother, they would take of the rest from there.

"I have to call Will's brother and my parents. I'm pretty sure they'll take care of the rest from there. I just don't know…"

Hotch cut her off before she could finish because she had enough to deal with having to tell Cate. He remembered that conversation with Jack and it wasn't a pleasant one. The least he could do was take care of the other notifications for her.

"Let me so you can focus on Cate"

"Ok, both of the numbers are in my phone," she said handing him her phone off of the side table.

They watched her walk away, all of them thinking she just wanted to be alone for a moment. She walked to the laundry room and shut the door. It was not the typical place that she changed but she couldn't go into their bedroom just yet, not without him.

She reemerged in jeans, a pullover sweater, and her hair tied back feeling a little more normal. JJ stopped in the foyer for a moment watching Cate interact with her team, her family, and it gave her a brief few moments of solace.

Cate had finally caught site of her running into her arms, "Mommy!" she yelled as JJ picked her up and hugged her.

"Hi baby," JJ tightened her grip a little bit as Cate wiggled in her arms.

Cate looked at her, "Mommy how come everyone's here is today a special day?"

A special day JJ thought no today was not a special day, today was the worst day of her life. Cate called their team get-togethers special days; she had been ever since she could talk. This was anything but a special day.

"No sweetie, it's not a special day. Mommy needs some help with some things so that's why everyone is here."

JJ walked over to the couch and sat down with Cate. The room was uncomfortable as they all waited for a cue from JJ as to how she wanted to handle this.

Penelope was the first to break the silence, "Sweet pea, do want us to give you some time to talk to her alone?"

JJ thought for a minute and then realized that there was no strength left in her and having her team around her was making her feel safe. She needed them here for this.

Cate looked at JJ confused, "Am I in trouble?"

Cate's question thru her for a loop for a moment, "No sweetie you're not in trouble," she then looked at Penelope, "I'd prefer it if you guys stayed."

She met each of their faces all of them telling her that they were there for here and they weren't going anywhere. Then she looked back at Cate wondering if there was really a good way to go about this.

"Sweetie remember how Daddy was on special case and he was working all night last night?" as she nodded JJ went on, "Well Daddy and Uncle Dan were catching the bad guy this morning and Daddy got really, really hurt."

Cate's eyes grew wider, "Is he okay?"

"No sweetie he isn't. Daddy was hurt too much for the doctor's to fix him and he died." JJ stopped for a moment but Cate said nothing, "Do you understand?"

"Does that mean that Daddy is an angel like Grandpa?"

JJ thought about this for a moment, as to how Cate knew about that. Then she remembered that a few weeks ago Will and she were looking at a photo album with Will's dad in it. He had died before Cate was born so Will was telling her about him. Then she asked him where her grandpa was. Will explained heaven and angels to her. It all made sense now.

"Yes, Daddy is an angel like Grandpa now."

As soon as JJ said that Cate's eyes welled up with tears and big drops started to fall.

"I don't want him to be an angel, I want Daddddy…."

Cate was now crying harder as she buried her head in JJ's neck and clung to her tighter. JJ herself didn't know what to say to help her daughter at that moment so she just held her tightly. Emily and Penelope were now sitting next to her rubbing her back. JJ's own tears had started to fall again, this could not be happening…

* * *

A/N: Thanks to everyone who is reading, reviewing, and alerting! It keeps me writing :)


	5. The Innocence of Children

A/N: Sorry for the update delay real life took over for awhile, hopefully I'll be able to update regularly now. I own nothing except for the characters not in the show :)

Chapter 4: The Innocence of Children

JJ and Cate weighed heavy on Hotch's mind as he drove the standard black FBI SUV to JJ's house. Rossi was behind him in another one; it just made more sense to go altogether. He thought of how hard it was to go through this with Jack a mere six months ago and though it was slowly getting better it was still hard. He knew most of things JJ was going through right now and it killed him that she had to go through them. He and JJ had always been a little closer than the rest of team. She was his right hand person and their bond grew stronger after she had Cate. Hotch made a silent vow that he would help her in whatever way he could and whatever way she would let him.

* * *

The tone of the day was solemn as it should be it was his funeral after all. JJ stared out the window of the SUV as Hotch drove, Morgan to his right watching her through the rearview mirror.

He and Emily had been her solace last night. She wasn't sure how they did it but both Cate and her slept. For that JJ was grateful because today would be the longest day of her life. She wondered if Hotch felt this way when Haley died.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Cate's whining, "Mommy hold me."

JJ knew Cate was confused and she just wanted Will to come home so she tried to be patient, "Sweetie we're driving, I can't hold you. You have to stay in your seat."

Cate's eyes welled up as they had so many times in the last few days; it broke JJ's heart all over again. She dug in her bag and pulled out Cate's stuffed leopard, it was her comfort item; Will had bought it for her on their first trip to the zoo when she was just six months old. Cate took it snuggling it and JJ's arm at the same time.

Both men in the front seat watched her reactions through the rearview mirror. Hotch's heart broke for her right now. Morgan wanted so much to pick up the pieces and somehow make an impossible situation better. He reached his arm into the backseat and rested his hand on her knee; she gave him a small smile. JJ couldn't push them away, she needed them.

JJ leaned her head back and closed her eyes for a few moments attempting to calm all of her swirling thoughts. The last few days had been a blur for her, there were so many people moving in and out of her house. Will's mother, brother, sister, and his brother's wife had shown up the morning after it happened. Her parent's that same afternoon, her brother's would be coming today. Then there was the police chief, Chaplin, Will's partner, and other various officers' from the DCPD. It was just too many people, JJ wanted five minutes to be alone with her thoughts, to try and process how her life happened had been turned upside down.

"JJ," Morgan said a little louder touching her leg this time snapping her from her thoughts.

"What," she hadn't meant to snap but this is what she had just been thinking about. She opened her eyes to find Morgan staring at her.

"We're here," he wasn't phased by her snapping; he knew that she just wanted to be alone and he couldn't blame her for that.

She unbuckled her seatbelt and Cate's. Cate held onto her tightly as they got out of the car and started to walk up to the funeral home entrance. After a few feet JJ stopped, watching her team walking ahead of her. None of them realized that she had stopped until they reached the door. It wasn't until she felt Emily and Penelope's hands on her arm that she realized she stopped herself. Taking a deep, shaky breath with all eyes on her she walked towards them.

As she walked in her tears that she tried to hold in started to fall when she saw Nate (Will's brother) and Charlotte (his wife) he hugged her asking if she wanted him to go in with her. JJ shook her head no because she knew this was something that she had to do herself.

Walking over to Penelope she handed Cate to her, thankfully Cate did not fight her. JJ met each one of their eyes before she turned and walked through those doors. And there now that she was alone she let herself break down in sobs.

From outside the door they could hear the pain there friend was in but they knew at this moment she needed to be alone. Hotch just wanted to go in there and hug her, he remembered that first night after he finally got Jack to sleep that he let himself break. It was the most painful and alone feeling in the world.

* * *

It had only been about been about twenty minutes; they were all talking amongst themselves, some of them entertaining Cate.

Cate eventually looked up at Penelope and asked, "Can I have juice please?"

The simplest request threw them all off, it just went to show how innocent kids were, that even in the wake of tragedy they could worry about the most basic things.

"JJ didn't leave her bag which is most likely where her juice cup is," Penelope said to no one in particular.

They probably needed to go soon, so Emily decided that she would be brave enough to go and grab JJ's bag, "I'll go."

JJ's sobs had finally subsided as she sat and stared at his body in the coffin. Could this really be happening to her? She went from being blissfully happy one day to having her life turned upside down and shattered the next. It just wasn't fair Cate needed her daddy and she needed Will.

Emily opened the door quietly and JJ met her gaze, "Is it time?"

"Not yet, Cate wants juice and you have your bag."

"Oh, sorry I should have left it," she replied handing her the bag.

"Don't worry, I just felt bad interrupting."

"You aren't I'm just staring trying to process that this is actually happening."

"Do you need anything?"

"Can you send Reid in I need to ask him something?"

"Sure sweetie"

Emily walked out of the room rummaging through JJ's bag thinking about how much this sucked, wishing there was some way to make this all go away. She found Cate's juice and handed it to her.

"Thank you Auntie Emmy," she said as she reached for her.

Emily gladly took her needing some distraction. Cate looked at her, "I see Mommy now?"

God this sucked, she felt Morgan's hand rest against the small of her back for support, "Not yet sweetie Mommy needs to talk to Uncle Spence."

Reid said nothing and walked into the room where JJ sat staring blankly with tears rolling down her face. He pulled her close as she once again broke down only this time in someone's protective arms. She couldn't help but think how she wished it was Will's arms she was in, this only made her cry harder. Reid just held her because he didn't know what else he could do, she was going through an unspeakable event and no amount of statistics could make this better. After a few minutes her breathing evened out and she looked up at him.

"Am I making the right decision by not bringing her in here?"

"JJ that has to be your decision."

"Please…."

"It would be confusing for her but she would heal. It is up to you."

"I can't give her this image."

"And that's ok," he said hugging her again.

A few minutes went by and the funeral director came in. JJ walked back to the casket, she couldn't listen. At least Reid was there, she was grateful that he had handled that conversation.

There was a whirlwind of activity after that and somehow they ended up back outside. There was a commotion of people all around JJ, Cate was tugging on her dress, Garcia was trying to occupy her, and JJ just wanted it all to stop she couldn't take it anymore.

JJ looked down at Cate, "Stop whining." JJ was very frustrated as was Cate but she just needed her to cooperate for a few minutes. She wasn't yelling but her voice had that harsh, authoritative tone that everyone was sure she used only when Cate was in trouble or in dealing with difficult press situations.

They all looked at her with varying degrees of concern, as she looked at Cate who now had tears streaming down her face thinking she had done something wrong she felt horrible. She picked up Cate and headed to one of the SUV's thinking if she couldn't handle her cranky, upset child now how was she supposed to do this alone for the rest her life.

Hotch once again felt for her because it was too much and she had snapped at her child. Something he knew that she instantly regretted but it was all just too overwhelming. The first time it had happened with Jack he locked himself in his room for hours crying for Haley.

* * *

Once JJ entered the car there was quiet and that is what they both needed. She looked down at her daughter's terrified eyes and hated herself.

"Sweetie its ok Mommy's not mad at you. I'm sorry I yelled at you. Mommy misses Daddy a lot and is sad. You didn't do anything wrong. Do you understand?"

She nodded her head and buried it in JJ's chest. She sat there and held her because at that moment it is what she needed.

"I miss Daddy. Can we go home now?"

"Not yet, do you remember what we talked about?"

"We're going to Church for a special service for Daddy to say goodbye. Is that where were going now?"

"Yes sweetie it is. Can you be a big girl and help Mommy?"

Cate nodded her head eagerly and smiled.

"Can go tell everyone that Mommy is ready to go?"

JJ let Cate down out of the car leaving the door open so she could still see her. Cate tugged on Derek's coat sleeve to get his attention, he kneeled down in front of her, "Hey princess where's Mommy?"

"Mommy said to tell you she's ready to go to church."

They all looked at their little messenger and knew that the day had to keep going.

* * *

A/N: Thanks to all who are reading, reviewing, and alerting!


	6. Never Alone

******A/N: Most of this chapter is a songfic chapter. It is apparent why in JJ's eulogy. I own none of the CM characters or the song/title just the ones that aren't on the show.**

**Chapter 5: Never Alone**

_May the angels protect you  
Trouble neglect you  
And heaven accept you when its time to go home  
May you always have plenty  
The glass never empty  
Know in your belly  
You're never alone_

JJ didn't know when they had started driving again or that they arrived at the church. She didn't remember Morgan unhooking Cate and taking her from the car. She felt frozen again and in shock like she had the other day, the day her world came crashing down. Hotch was now standing in her doorway looking at her.

Looking back into his eyes JJ couldn't move, "I can't do this, please don't make me do this."

His heart broke for her and he wanted nothing more than to take this away, "JJ, I can't make you do anything but I think you need closure."

"You'll stay?"

"I'm not going anywhere. Jessica has Jack until tomorrow morning."

"Who has Cate?"

"Penelope does, she's okay, your parents are over there too."

"Can you have Emily come over here, please?"

"Sure I won't be far if you need me," he said squeezing her hand.

"Thanks."

Hotch walked over to where the team stood. They all watched him knowing it was not a good sign that JJ was still in the car. He looked to Emily, with no words needed she headed to the car.

Emily climbed in and sat next to JJ. She was desparately trying to hold it in and Emily could see it wasn't working. She pulled her into a hug and it all came.

"I can't do this, I can't cry in front of her right now it would just scare her. I already yelled at her for no reason. There is just too much noise, I just want everything to stop so maybe I can think."

What JJ said worried Emily because the truck was quiet. JJ sobbed into Emily's shoulder as she rubbed her back willing her to calm down.

"Shh…it's ok, you're ok. Sweetie I know it's hard but I need you try and calm down, you're going to make yourself sick."

JJ's crying slowed and her breathing started to even out. Emily started again hoping what she was about to say would get her from the car to the church.

"I'll make you a deal. If you start to breakdown I will take Cate out of the church until the service is over ok?"

"Ok"

"You think you're ready?"

"I am never going to be ready. You'll stay right?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

That was about the fifth time that JJ had asked her that in the last three days. This was not their JJ. It scared Emily that this could change her for a very long time but all they could do was be there for her.

_May your tears come from laughing  
You find friends worth having  
As every year passes  
They mean more than gold  
May you win but stay humble  
Smile more than grumble  
And know when you stumble  
You're never alone_

They were now seated in the front pew at church, all seven of them. JJ's family sat behind them, Will's family to their right. Cate for the moment was sitting JJ's lap playing with her mother's hair. JJ whispered in Cate's ear that she was going to talk soon so she needed her to sit nicely with whomever she wanted.

JJ didn't hear the service up until the point where the priest called her name. Her career was talking to people and in front of people but suddenly it made her nervous.

Standing at the podium her voice shaky as she began her eulogy, "The next time Will and I were supposed to stand at this alter was supposed to be on our wedding day a few months from now. And instead I stand here mourning the death of a man who blessed my life in more ways than one."

_Never alone  
Never alone  
I'll be in every beat of your heart  
When you face the unknown  
Wherever you fly  
This isn't goodbye  
My love will follow you stay with you  
Baby you're never alone_

"The beginning was bumpy as relationships go but he was always right there by my side. We met on the job and he flirted from the second we walked onto the crime scene. He charmed his way into my heart and taught me run to love instead of away from it. We had the long distance relationship down to an art. Not to long after we started seeing each other we hit a bump in the road. On that was both exciting and terrifying."

She paused for the moment and looked at Cate who had now moved into Emily's lap. The tears started to fall as Cate smiled at her. She met Emily's eyes and Emily pointed at Cate then the door. JJ shook her head no and continued through tears.

"That bump we hit turned out to be the best thing that happened to both of us. A beautiful combination of the of us that made our love for each other and her grow. He used to tell me that he knew how a case was based on how much time I would spend in the nursery and after Cate was born how much time I spent holding her when I got home. My first case back after maternity leave had been particularly difficult. Not only because of the nature of the case but the fact that it was my first time away from her. I spent hours rocking her that night before he finally convinced me she was ok and to come to bed. The next morning I woke up to my Ipod and note sitting on his pillow. I can still see the note in my head it said, 'JJ, Went for a walk with Cate be back soon. Listen to the first song and always remember that you are never alone. We love you, Will and Cate'. To me this was odd because I knew the first song on my playlist and it had no significance to us what so ever. But I listened anyways and ironically it was called Never Alone."_  
_  
_Well I have to be honest  
As much as I wanted  
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow  
So when hard times have found you  
And your fears surround you  
Wrap my love around you  
You're never alone_

"That song became a lifeline for me while I was away at work. The words in this song could not be more fitting for today. There is part of the song that says, 'I will be in your heart as you face the unkown'. That is where Will is today and will stay as Cate and I face the unkown of life without him"

JJ walked from the podium as that beautiful song played. As she sat back down Cate reached for her and JJ gladly took her because she needed her. Cate buried her face in JJ's chest as she held her tightly. Hotch and Emily both put their hands on her arms as she bit back the urge to breakdown again.

_Never alone  
Never alone  
I'll be in every beat of your heart  
When you face the unknown  
Wherever you fly  
This isn't goodbye  
My love will follow you stay with you  
Baby you're never alone_

My love will follow you stay with you  
Baby you're never alone


	7. When Does This Go Away?

A/N: So I hit a little writer's block. I was hoping to have had two more chapters up but it doesn't always work that way.

Chapter 6: When Does It Go Away?

It had been three weeks since the funeral and for JJ they all ran together. Her parents had stayed through that weekend and the following week her team had been in and out. She didn't have time to think or breathe because there was always someone there.

During that first week there had been four long nights of no sleep before Cate told JJ she wanted to sleep in the Master bedroom in their bed. JJ hadn't stepped foot in there since it happened, but that night she tucked Cate into her and Will's bed. Cate wanted her to stay with her and thankfully she fell asleep within a few minutes. JJ couldn't stay in that room, she couldn't breathe.

Much to JJ's surprise when Cate slept in there she actually slept all the way through the night. When JJ asked her why she wanted to sleep in their room Cate told her that it was because their bed smelled like them and it made her feel better. So the next day JJ took some of Will's t-shirts and sewed them into a small blanket. Cate hadn't let go of it since. The first night of the third week when they were finally alone except for Sara, Cate's nanny being there during the day, JJ went to put her to sleep and Cate told her that it was ok she would sleep in her own room because she had her daddy with her. Cate told JJ that she needed to sleep in their bed so she could be close to Will too. JJ smiled through tears at her beautiful daughter knowing she was right but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

JJ was on leave until further notice and the team was on their first case back without her. For JJ the last weeks had been taking care of Cate and making sure she was ok. At almost four Cate's reactions were normal, they came and went, most often in the form of tantrums because she couldn't express in words what she was feeling. JJ had all but shut down, she made herself numb because she couldn't deal with both her own and Cate's emotions. Several members of her team were concerned as some of had kept in contact with her while they were on the case.

* * *

Hotch sat on the plane wondering how JJ was. They were on there way home from a particularly difficult five day case and they were definitely feeling the effects of their missing liaison. He knew that both Emily and Morgan had been talking to Garcia about JJ mostly to talk her down from worrying about her. Out of everyone on the team it was no secret that Garcia was not as good at handling worry as the rest of them. In this case Hotch knew that she was right to worry. He had spoken to JJ briefly before they had gone on the case telling her to take all the time she needed and that they could discuss work things when they were back if she was ready. He remembered that day having rung the doorbell at a very inopportune moment.

Sara had gone to the grocery store leaving Cate and JJ at home by themselves which Hotch knew was not happening very often since Will died. It wasn't that he thought she couldn't do it but it was very different to try and do when there were all your own emotions that you were trying to deal with. Cate was in the middle of a meltdown over who knows what and JJ was desperately trying to disengage. He knew what those were like Jack would meltdown over the most insignificant things all because he was missing Haley and just couldn't say it. He knew that JJ was trying to shut down; there was this vacant look in her eyes. It worried him but given the current situation she was dealing with he did not stay very long.

His thoughts were interrupted when Emily sat down across from him handing him a cup of coffee, "Thanks."

"You looked deep in thought just now."

"Have you talked to JJ lately?"

"Last night to tell her that we were coming home this morning."

"How is she?"

"Dealing the best she can I suppose?"

"You are being very vague Prentiss."

"If your so concerned why haven't talked to her yourself?" Emily knew that there was something deeper for Hotch especially given the loss of Haley was so fresh.

"We've been a little busy," he glared annoyingly at her.

"She is coping the only way that she knows how and that is not coping because she is overwhelmed. A couple nights ago she called me at two in the morning crying her eyes out because she dreamed that it was their wedding day. She was all dressed up and ready to walk down the aisle when someone comes to tell her that he isn't coming. I know she's not sleeping and she shuts everything off so she can take care of Cate." At that point Prentiss was wiping the tears that rimmed her eyes because her best friend was in pain and there was nothing she could do to fix it.

Hotch had somewhat regretted asking because he had now upset Emily but he was grateful that she was honest, "Thank you for being honest."

"So what are you going to do?"

"There isn't much to do, she can have all the time that she needs right now."

"Maybe you should talk to her, you get this as bad as that sounds. You guys may be able to help each other." At that Prentiss smiled at him moving back over to where Morgan was arguing with Garcia over the phone.

Rossi decided to take her place, "She is right you know."

"About what?"

"Don't play dumb Aaron. You and JJ she is right, you get it."

"It would be inappropriate, she is my subordinate."

"It wouldn't be subordinate to superior it would be a friend helping another friend because they know the exact hell they are going through."

Neither man said anything after that; Hotch couldn't help but think that they were both right.

* * *

An hour later the plane landed and Hotch sent everyone home for some much needed rest as it was already five in the afternoon with the time difference from California. He got into his car but did not head home; instead he headed in the direction of JJ's. He had talked to Jessica; Jack was still at his grandparents and wouldn't be home until the morning.

He knew from listening in on Morgan's conversation with Garcia on the plane that she had Cate for the evening, so he saw this as an opportunity. As he drove he wondered if this was the right thing to do. Should he really be the one to help JJ or should he leave it up to another member of their team. Yes he understood what this was but there were days that he couldn't help himself so how was he supposed to help her. As he pulled into her driveway he shoved down all his insecurities. He thought to himself the worst that could happen was she told him to leave. As he walked up to the front door he could hear things crashing and yelling coming from inside.

This alarmed him greatly at first; he even contemplated busting down the door. However his good senses told him to check the door first which he found was unlocked. He went in with his gun drawn not really sure what he was expecting to find. The noise was coming from JJ's kitchen. As he got closer he could see she was not in any danger because there was no one else in the room with her, except for the unfortunate set of china that she seemed intent on breaking.

She hadn't noticed that he had come in; he holstered his gun and approached the kitchen slowing because he didn't want to scare her.

"JJ" he said her name in a normal tone at first however at that point another dish hit the floor so he said it louder, "JJ!"

This time she turned startled because she definitely thought that she was alone. When she saw Hotch standing there it was too much, she wanted it to be Will, and everything that she was holding in for the past three weeks came crashing down. Tears spilled from her eyes, as she tried to move her knees gave out Hotch caught her in his arms not wanting her to land in the abundance of glass.

She sobbed into his chest feeling safe and protected, "When does this feeling go away? How do I make it stop?"

Hotch was not sure if those questions were rhetorical or if she wanted answers. He was banking on the latter however she was in no state to talk, so he just held her as she cried needing to get everything she was holding in out.

* * *

A/N: So I am interested in where people would like to see this go. If you have any suggestions they are always appreciated or if you would like to see something happen I would be more than happy to try and work it in. Thanks to those who read and review!


	8. Where is Heaven?

A/N: I used to have so much more time to write, new job has taken over. I'm going to shoot for a chapter a week. Thanks to crazyobsession101 for the idea for this chapter!

* * *

Chapter 7: Where is Heaven?

JJ woke up to the smell of coffee and it took her a moment to process what was happening. She remembered Garcia picking up Cate to take her for the night and she also knew she gave Sara the night off so who was here. JJ thought hard as she tried to focus as her eyes were blurry from all the crying and then it hit her, Hotch. Last night she had thought she was dreaming but judging from the coffee brewing and him sitting at her kitchen table she was obviously wrong. She was suddenly mortified, what had she said to him last night? It took him a moment but he finally noticed she was standing there.

"Morning."

"Morning," JJ walked over and poured two cups of coffee and placed one in front of Hotch.

He studied her for a moment, she still looked like hell but at least she had slept, "Thanks. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Like I have a hangover even though I didn't have anything to drink."

"Meltdowns will do that to you."

JJ buried her face in her now she was really mortified if it had been anyone else on the team it would have been different but her boss for petes sake the universe really did hate her. Hotch could tell that she was clearly embarrassed which she really didn't need to be but none the less he continued the conversation.

"It's ok you know, you don't have to be strong all the time. I think last night might have been what you needed."

She looked up at him catching that caring, empathetic look in his eyes, "You didn't have to clean up I wouldn't have taken care of it."

"It's not a problem; your kitchen was a bit dangerous to be walking in. Care to share why you were breaking china and from the looks of it very expensive china?"

"Early wedding gift that came yesterday from a family member who wasn't going to make it to the wedding, I guess it kind pushed me over the edge. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Stop apologizing for having feelings JJ. I'm just glad you weren't alone when you did."

"Speaking of that why did you come here last night?"

"It can wait, you need more time before we talk about work or anything else," he got up and put his cup in the sink.

"Thanks Hotch, for everything."

"Always JJ."

* * *

After JJ picked up Cate from Penelope's she decided to take her to the park. They both needed some fresh air; their house was suffocating at the moment. JJ thought it might improve Cate's fowl mood too, Penelope had said that she did not sleep well and it was apparent.

"Mommy where are we going?" Cate asked knowing this was not the way to their house.

"To the park"

JJ looked in the rearview mirror as she pulled into Potomac Park Cate sat in the back seat with a big smile on her face. It was so good to see that smile. Will used to bring her here all the time so JJ figured a familiar place would help things a little. JJ unbuckled her from her seat and put her down. Cate ran toward the park with JJ trailing behind her. The FBI agent in her made her scan the area to be aware of her surroundings. It was still fairly early so there weren't many people at the park, mostly the morning runners or dog walkers.

Cate stopped just before stepping on the wood chips and turned to JJ, "Mommy come swing with me please?"

JJ smiled, "Sure sweetie come on."

She took Cate's hand and led her over to the swings. JJ sat down on one and Cate climbed up in her lap facing her. She had been spider swinging with Cate since she was a baby, which was their thing whereas Will would run around and climb on everything with her. JJ started swinging and they both were quiet for awhile.

"Mommy if we swing high enough can we get to heaven and see Daddy?" Cate looked up at her asked.

For the first time in weeks JJ's eyes didn't fill up with tears when Cate asked about him. There was still that deep sadness but after last night maybe she could now have this conversation with Cate.

"No we can't. Only people who die go to heaven."

"And then their angels?"

"Yep and then they are angels. Daddy is your special guardian angel."

"And yours too?"

"Yes and mine too."

"Are angels indivisible?"

JJ laughed a little at her daughter's misuse of words, "Yes angels are invisible."

"I like it here it reminds of Daddy. Can we come here everyday?"

"Maybe not everyday but probably on the weekends like we used to do with Daddy."

"Can we bring a picnic next time like when we used too when you and Daddy didn't have to work on the weekend?"

"I think that's a very good idea."

They had slowly stopped swinging Cate seemed to be pondering what they had just talked about she then looked up at JJ excitedly, "Mommy I forgotted! Me and Daddy had a surprise for you."

JJ was confused really not knowing what her daughter had just spontaneously thought of. Cate wiggled off of her lap and looked at her impatiently.

"Come on Mommy," she whined grabbing JJ's hand.

"Ok, lead the way."

They walked over to playground equipment and JJ watched as Cate climbed the stairs. She thought she was going to the slide but she made her way to the monkey bars. JJ went over to help her but Cate stopped her.

"NO MOMMY! Just watch."

JJ was a little nervous, she had never seen Cate do the monkey bars alone before but something inside of her told her to trust her daughter. Methodically Cate hung from the first bar then swung from the next bar, to the next until she reached the end. JJ smiled as she watched her little girl do such a big girl thing. She remembered her phone conversation with Will the night before she came home from the last case; he was hinting around this and had wanted to make a trip here that weekend. Then everything happened, JJ couldn't help but feel that maybe he led them here today.

"Mommy, mommy did you see? I did it, I did it!"

Cate ran into her arms, "Yes you did! Who taught you how to do it?"

She looked up at the sky for a moment then back to JJ, "Daddy, it was supposed to be a surprise but I forgotted until we came today. Was I good?"

"You were very good."

Cate hugged JJ tight and she looked up toward the sky smiling up at Will who she knew was looking over them. Maybe just maybe they would be okay.

* * *

A/N: So some little kid innocence to lighten the mood. So next question is: Should they run into Jack and Hotch at the park? Thanks to all those who are reading and reviewing!


	9. Not Who I Am

A/N: Not a fan of when real life and works gets in the way of writing but alas it has again. To those who are hanging in and still reading, thanks! Reviews are always welcomed :)

**Chapter 8: Not Who I Am **

JJ continued to watch Cate show her how well she could do the monkey bars and she couldn't help but smile. She was so lost in her own thoughts she didn't realize that it was getting a bit later in the morning and more people began to show up at the park.

"It's good see you smile."

JJ was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of an all too familiar voice. When she turned to look there stood Hotch and Jack. Once again she smiled at the site of her boss and his five year old son; it wasn't often that the team got to see Hotch so relaxed.

"Hey we meet again. Hi Jack."

Jack stood and waved, smiling he was always a little shy at first very much the opposite of Cate.

"That we do. It's good to see you two out of the house. She seems to be enjoying herself," Hotch said nodding in Cate's direction.

"Long story, but for the moment everything is good and I'm trying to enjoy it."

Cate had since realized on the way back the other way on the monkey bars that she had lost her mother's attention. Noticing Hotch and Jack standing there she got very excited and ran over.

"Mommy you didn't tell me they were coming!" Cate's tone was a cross between exasperated and excited all at the same time.

"I didn't know sweetie but it's a nice surprise isn't it."

Cate smiled and then looked at Jack, "Hi. Wanna go play?"

Jack smiled and looked up at Hotch, "Can I Daddy?"

"That's what we came here for go ahead."

The two ran off and started playing while Hotch and JJ went to a nearby bench where they could still see them. Both sat in silence not really knowing where to start.

Hotch pondered how much he should really bring up, there were things they needed to talk about like work and obviously from JJ's earlier comment something had happened this morning after he left her. However, A they were in a very public place at the moment and B what gave him the right to delve into her personal business. As he thought this both Emily and Dave's words on the plane ride home came back. He did truly understand what she was going through but she was his subordinate and he was her supervisor. _Man up Hotch for pete's sake its friendship not marriage. _He mentally chastised himself as they still sat there in silence.

JJ too was deep in thought about far too many things. Her eyes remained focused on the two seemingly happy children playing. But her heart ached with knowledge that they both now shared a common bond, the loss of a parent. And then there was the man sitting next to her whom she felt absolutely mortified with. There was the fact that she had let her guard down last night going slightly crazy with grief and with her boss no less. It couldn't have been anyone else on the team no it had to be him. She knew that he understood better than anyone else on the team ever could but his wife just died a little over six months ago he still had his own stuff going on it wasn't fair to add her problems to the mix. She just wouldn't.

Hotch watched JJ as she watched the kids and he could only deduce her silence had something to do with what happened last night. So he decided he would be the first one to break the silence.

"You know what happened last night is ok, it's completely normal."

"If what you mean by normal is completely crazy and embarrassing then sure it's ok," she continued to watch the kids play.

"JJ it's not crazy you're grieving. I would be worried if you weren't having some kind of reaction."

He waited for a moment but she said nothing as he saw the tears form in her eyes. After waiting a few more minutes a getting nothing he decided to continue.

"A few weeks after I came back to work after Haley it all caught up to me in a pretty big way. We had just come back from that case in Colorado and in every victim I saw Haley's face. We had gotten back particularly late so Jessica kept Jack for the night. I couldn't get those women's faces out of my head; I couldn't get Haley's cold lifeless body out either. So I went home to an empty house knowing Jack was safe and I tried to drink it away. Two bottles of scotch later all the anger and grief I had been stuffing down for weeks came out. I pretty much destroyed my apartment. After that I was about to start my third bottle of scotch to continue to try and forget but Dave showed up. If it wasn't for him that night who knows how far it would have gone that night. Was it the greatest idea in the world, no, but was it something that needed to happen, yes."

JJ finally looked him with tears skirting her eyes, "Why are you telling me this?"

"To show you your not alone, that your not crazy, and you can't hold it all inside because it just doesn't work."

She looked away quickly swiping the tears from her eyes. _God, why now? This just gets better and better doesn't it? Hold it together Jareau you're stronger than this!_

Hotch could see she was fighting for composure he didn't want to push but he didn't want herself beating herself up of completely valid reactions. He had been down that road too many times.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Which one of the many events of the last few weeks are you referring to?" she half laughed and sighed.

"Which ever one you want."

JJ looked over at him again and saw nothing but support in his eyes. He was trying she would give him that but she didn't know if she could let anyone in it made her feel weak and vulnerable, it simply wasn't her. But maybe just maybe he would be the one to break that exterior. JJ was just about to say something when Jack and Cate ran up to them.

"Mommy we're hungry can Jack come to our house for lunch pleeeasse?" Cate was talking a mile a minute with excitement.

JJ and Hotch hadn't even realized how late it had gotten. JJ looked at her watch and realized it was almost noon.

"Sweetie Hotch and Jack might have other plans," JJ turned to Hotch, "But you are more than welcome if you don't, I was planning on making grill cheese."

"I love grill cheese!" Jack chimed in looking eagerly at Hotch waiting for him to answer.

"You just said the right two words it's his favorite. If it's not too much of an inconvenience.."

"No not at all." JJ was hoping that he would say no he because she really just wanted to be alone but that didn't look like it would be happening.

* * *

In the car on the way home Cate chattered about all the things that her and Jack had talked about and played at the park. JJ was only half paying attention as much as she hated it her mind was seriously preoccupied. But one thing caught her attention as Cate said it.

"And Jack's mommy was hurt by a bad man too just like daddy and now she's an angel just like daddy is too."

JJ heart stopped for a moment, "Cate did you and Jack talk about this?"

"Yep I told him daddy died and is an angel in heaven and he told me his mommy is too. I asked him how come and that's what he tolded me."

"You didn't…" JJ caught herself as she said it she didn't mean to say that out loud; she is a child for pete's sake how could she expect her to have a filter for these things. JJ could see the expression on Cate's face change a bit looking confused.

"Are you mad at me?" Cate's voice had now become slightly shaky.

_Great just great why do I not think before I say things? _JJ waited until she stopped at the red the light and turned to look at Cate.

"No I'm not I promise you just surprised mommy a little."

Cate seemed to accept this and continued to chatter the rest of the way home. JJ sighed this process was so far from over and it was working her last nerve.


	10. Not Alone

**Author's Note: My muse left for awhile and real life way got in the way. Hoping to get back into writing :) I own nothing though I wish I did, can't wait for Season 7 where everything is going back to how it should be!**

* * *

Chapter 9: Not Alone

JJ stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes from lunch as she watched out the window as Cate and Jack played soccer. Lunch had gone well and was filled up mostly with Cate and Jack's chatter. JJ was grateful for this because it didn't give Hotch a chance to ask questions at least not yet.

"Penny for your thoughts."

Hotch had gone outside briefly to make sure that the kids were ok but intended on taking this opportunity to talk to JJ alone.

"You'd need an awful lot of pennies."

JJ finished putting the last dish in the dishwasher and poured two cups of coffee. They both went to the table to sit down still having a view of the kids through the sliding glass door.

"I think that Cate may have said something to Jack that she may have not have intended to and I just want you to know because I don't want him to be upset."

Hotch cut her off before she could go any farther, "I know already he told me in the car."

At this point JJ just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days, "I'm sorry. She tends to just blurt it out to people randomly I've been trying to work on it with her but she is still really confused."

"JJ you don't have to be sorry Jack is fine. He actually thinks it is kind neat that he now knows another kid around his age that went through the exact same thing he did."

JJ sat for a minute staring at her coffee mug when she looked up she met Hotch's stare, "We're just still sorting things out."

"He's fine really please don't add that to your list of worries. Speaking of sorting things out I wanted to talk to you about work."

"Hotch, I …"

"JJ stop let me finish. You can take as much time as you need. If and when you are ready to come back we can work out a schedule so you don't have to be out of the state with us as much."

"If I come back?"

Hotch caught that fiery look in her eyes the one she got when she was geared up for a fight. _Way to go Hotch now you got her all riled up that is just great._

"JJ I just meant that you have the option to come back or not. No one is saying that you can't but this is tough I don't want you to feel pressured to have to come back too soon."

"I need to come back Hotch I can't sit around this empty house waiting for Will to come back when clearly that isn't going to happen. There are too many memories they are suffocating."

JJ stopped mentally chastising herself for giving him too much insight into how much she was truly suffering. _That's just great JJ make him think you can't handle this and for sure he isn't going to let you come back._

When JJ looked back up at Hotch she was expecting to see pity in his eyes but instead what she saw was something different, something she couldn't quite place her finger on. He could see that JJ was studying him and he imagined that she expected the looks of pity and concern she received from everyone else. However he knew those looks and he knew that they did no good except to make you feel more confused about what you should do.

"JJ all I meant was that you can take all the time you need and when you are ready we will work something out. Just know that there is someone out there who understands exactly what this is like, you are not alone."

Just maybe for the first time since this whole ordeal happened she could start to believe that until Cate came barreling through the door with tears streaming down her face and her very skinned up knee.

"Jack what happened?" Hotch asked hoping his son had not in some way gotten upset and taken it out on a child younger than him yet again, something that had become a common occurrence since Haley died.

JJ held a crying Cate in her arms as she maneuvered around the kitchen, "I'm sure it was nothing she falls all the time this is why we have one of these in the kitchen, "JJ said holding up the first aid kit.

And it was true; ever since Cate had learned to walk she had two left feet constantly tripping over one or the other. Will used to tease her saying she took after her mother. Needless to say even with JJ's assurance Hotch was still looking at Jack for an explanation.

"The soccer ball rolled on the patio and Cate went to get it but she tripped and scraped her knee," Jack said very quietly as he sat in Hotch's lap.

The whole time he is describing this scene Cate is sitting on the table in front of JJ shaking her head yes. JJ knew the exact spot they were talking about with all the recent rain the patio had started to come up in one corner, it was Will's intention to take it out and build a deck instead.

Cate's tears were turning into sniffles as JJ was searching through the first aid kid for something to clean her knee with, as she did JJ absent mindedly confirmed what Jack was talking about, "She tripped on the corner of the patio that sticks up from the ground slightly, Will was supposed to be taking it out and building a deck…" she stopped knowing right at that moment mentioning his name would set Cate off and it did.

Those beautiful blue eyes of hers that looked exactly like JJ's welled up with tears again as she cried out, "I want Daddy. No Mommy no I want Daddy to do it, it's gonna hurt he makes boo boo's better! No Mommy."

JJ knew this had nothing to do with who took care of boo boo's better and everything to do with the fact that she missed her Daddy. She also knew that everything was going fine until she stupidly mentioned Will's name at exactly the wrong time. JJ at this point was at a loss all she could do was ride out Cate's crying and try to comfort her then worry about the scrape on her leg. Hotch too knew JJ was at a loss for her knew the many times he had gone through this with Jack.

Then through what seemed like chaos for the two adults sitting in the room came words that made sense, "I have a Daddy maybe he could make it better, he is good at making boo boo's better, " Jack voiced.

Cate heard this and looked at Jack her tears slowing a bit, "You gonna share your daddy?"

Jack nodded his head and looked at Hotch who in turn looked at JJ. JJ was not sure if this was going to work but it was worth a shot so she gave Hotch a go ahead look and handed him the first aid kit. Cate's crying once again turned into sniffling as she scooted in front of Hotch. Jack slid off Hotch's lap so he work and much to JJ's surprise climbed up in hers.

"Ready Cate, close yours and count to ten," much to Hotch and JJ's surprise Cate did as he asked as he cleaned off her knee blowing on it as he did so it would not sting, he then put some antibiotic ointment on, and to finish it off a princess Band-Aid.

Cate had slowly counted to ten so it wouldn't hurt, Hotch was kind of like her Daddy and she liked that, and then she opened her eyes, "All done?"

"All done," Hotch replied as she reached out and hugged him. He looked back at JJ as he set her down and put back everything into the box, "We should probably get going."

JJ walked both him and Jack to the door as the kids both still chattered back and forth as if the last half an hour had not even transpired. "Thank you, for everything"

"Just remember you're not alone"

As they left she thought to herself maybe just maybe she wasn't.


	11. Today

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! Again I own nothing, except the character of Cate :)**

* * *

Chapter 10: Today

Today she should have woke up on top of the world. JJ pondered this on her way into the BAU that morning. It had been two months for crying out loud shouldn't it start to feel better by now? But the truth was today it wouldn't feel better at all. It had officially been two months since Will died and two weeks since she went back to work. There had been a lot of changes for JJ in that short time span.

They say you should not make any drastic changes within the first year of a death but JJ saw these things as things she needed to do to make Cate's life more normal. So before returning to work she packed up the house and moved into a three bedroom condo. It had helped to establish a new routine and not have so many memories surrounding the both of them. JJ finally broke down and took Cate to see someone because her meltdowns became more and more frequent as the days went on. In turn the play therapist that Cate saw also sees adults; she offered to see JJ for individual sessions too. For right now JJ was still thinking about it, could she really tell a stranger all her deepest thoughts and grief.

Her and Hotch had been spending a great deal of time together as they both found solace in each other's grief. JJ quickly realized that Jack was the only child that Cate could play with without having problems. Hotch had noticed the same thing about Jack, both parents decided this was because they shared a bond that they didn't have with other children, they had both lost a parent in a very unique way. From their children's bond their bond with each grew stronger. By some kind of irony it turned out the Cate's nanny Sara and Jack's aunt Jessica had gone to college together. So both women were more than happy to reconnect and often helped each other out with the kids. This almost made it impossible for Hotch and JJ to avoid each other for very long outside of work, not that either one was finding that they wanted too.

However today, today was not supposed to go this way. Today was supposed to be the happiest day of her life. Yet today she took that all too familiar detour the one she took every morning to visit a stone slab instead of being able to see her husband. Today was the day they were supposed to get married. As she stood looking at his grave she wanted to scream, _"How the hell am I supposed to get through today! I'm supposed to happy damn it! Why? Just Why?" _However she did not, she just stood there tears streaming down her face she went through the routine as she did every morning. She laid a single red rose on top his headstone, kissed her hand placing it on the stone she whispered, "I love you."

As she walked back to her SUV her phone continued to buzz and she continued to hit ignore. On any other normal day she would answered with her standard greeting but this was once again no ordinary day. Today her phone was not ringing about cases or with phone calls from desperate police chiefs for her team was on stand down as today was supposed to be her wedding day. Her wedding gown sat sealed in a box and sitting storage as bridesmaid dresses sat at the back of Emily and Penelope's closets. So today her phone rang with concerned relatives checking on her to make sure she was "ok". Her parents, brothers, Will's mother, her brother-in-law, and sister-in-law; the calls and voicemails just kept coming. The only reason she had not heard from the team yet was because she was due into the office. "Ok" was a relative term because today just as JJ had felt the day that it happened was the same that she would never be "ok" again.


	12. Time Heals All Wounds or Does It?

**A/N: I own nothing except for characters not in the show. Thanks for reading and reviewing :)**

* * *

Chapter 11: Time Heals All Wounds or Does It?

She hadn't been at the office for more than a half hour and already the day was going south on her. JJ had thought being at work today of all days would be easier than being at home but apparently she had been wrong.

She wished she hadn't blown up, melted down or whatever you wanted to call it. Her team was just concerned which she loved them for, but today she just couldn't do it. Today was supposed to be the happiest day of her life; she was hurting emotionally and physically. JJ wanted to be Will in the worst possible way right now but every time that thought even entered her mind she had that blue eyed, blonde haired little girl pop into her head. She couldn't just sit there anymore; she got up from her desk and started to Garcia's office.

* * *

_A Half Hour Earlier…_

Each team member sat around the round table in the conference room with the exception of Garcia. The team was not going out on case as they were still on stand down so today would just be a briefing. Everyone knew what today was and fact that technically they all had today and tomorrow off because there was supposed to be festivities however there they sat. None of them saw fit to sit at home after the events that had unfolded in the last two months. Each one of them had watched the one of the strongest people that they have ever known break.

Each one of them looked at the other not really knowing what to say. Morgan was the first to break the awkward silence that sat among them, "Has anyone talked to her today?"

"Hotch said he spoke with her last night and she wanted to work today to help get through it. He as agreed to respect that as long as she can handle it," Rossi replied.

_Handle it? How the hell was she supposed to handle this?_ Morgan thought to himself as his anger rose inside him for her. He played ball with Will's partner this morning something he had done regularly with them both of them needing to do something normal on day that was turning out not as planned. Dan had told him that he had called JJ early that morning but hadn't gotten a hold of her. He too was worried about her, though she had kept in contact with him regularly since the tragic events. Morgan had promised him that he would make sure she was ok and would check in with him later.

Prentiss was only half listening to the conversation that was transpiring between the guys. All she could keep thinking is that JJ was supposed be walking down the aisle today, she was supposed to get her happily ever after. How could time heal her if time just kept throwing crap at her.

"Statistically speaking 50% of marriages end in divorce," Reid chimed in.

All they could do was look at him, they all knew where he was going with it but it was obviously not the best comment to make. Each one of them was just happy that JJ was not in the room when it happened. Almost on cue Hotch and JJ walked into the conference room taking their respective seats. Both went over cases and business that they needed to go over.

As they did Rossi took in JJ's demeanor at that point he had basically decided to screw the whole interteam profiling rule. It had only been two months no one could expect her to be magically healed it was going to take time. However he wanted so badly to hug her and take all of the pain away that she felt. He noted how she looked tired, defeated, and just like she didn't plain want to do it today. Dave made a conscience note to himself to pay her a visit later and remind her that if she didn't want to for a little bit it was ok.

As the briefing concluded everyone had cases to review and some custodial interviews until the team was called away on their next case. JJ could feel a headache starting to come on something that she noticed was happening more and more lately. She just wanted to go to her office and stay there for the rest of the day. Morgan however though he had good intentions didn't realize the emotional roller coaster he was about to set off.

"Hey," he said touching JJ's arm.

"Hey."

"You ok? Dan said he tried to call you this morning but he got your voicemail…"

"Maybe I was busy or maybe just maybe I needed time for myself because last time I checked I was the one that lost MY HUSBAND!" she was yelling in more exasperated way now because for the life of her she could not take all this damn concern not today.

"Whoa JJ all I was saying was that he was worried," Morgan tried to back pedal not realizing how much this would upset her and that was never his intention.

"JJ calm down everyone is just worried, we just want you to know that we are here for you," Prentiss kept her voice calm

Hotch could see this was going south quickly as Unit Chief he wanted to intervene but as her friend and Unit Chief he knew she needed to get this out. He had seen that Rossi had shut the door as soon as the conversation started in anticipation that this would get vocal and he wanted to give her some privacy.

"CALM DOWN? I'm supposed to be in a wedding dress walking down the aisle for pete's sake and instead I'm here giving a damn briefing about gruesome cases. And the man that I love is six feet under the ground. So don't tell me to calm down. Because you don't get this none of you get this hell. So though I appreciate your concern I can't I just can't not today."

With those words she stormed out of the conference room. None of them were surprised by anything that she had said. None of them even really had any right to be hurt because none of them did know, none of them except for Hotch. Morgan looked defeated because he felt like he had just made everything so much worse for her.

Hotch looked at him knowing what was going through his head, "That wasn't your fault; it was going to come no matter what anyone said to her today. She just needs some time and space."

"He's right. As much as we don't like to see her this way she needs to feel her feelings," Rossi added.

"She is always so strong it's hard to know what to say," for once Reid was at a loss for words.

"Sometimes there aren't any right things Reid," Prentiss tried to ease his worry.

Morgan wasn't convinced by the things that they were saying and decided to leave as well. Everyone soon followed suit to work at their respective spaces. Hotch sat in his office wondering how soon it would be until his team could function as one again. But he knew that if he could find his way through his grief then JJ could too.

* * *

JJ knocked softly on Garcia's door and heard her muffled voice say come in.

"Hey there," Garcia smiled it killed her to see JJ hurting like this.

"Hey"

"Are you ok?"

"You heard, huh?"

"Morgan felt bad about upsetting you, so yeah I heard."

"I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss him so much. I just want today to be what it was supposed to be, I want my happy ending."

"Your not crazy Jayje you're human and you're hurting. Everything you are feeling is normal."

"I'm so tired of hurting. I just want things to start to feel normal again."

"And they will sweet pea you just have to give it some time, I know that's not what you want to hear but I promise it will get better. But in the meantime you have to stop pushing us away. Got it?"

JJ smiled a small smile to herself leave it to Garcia to lay down the law no matter what the circumstances and still her make feel somewhat better.

"Got it," JJ replied as Garcia gave her a big hug.

JJ left her office feeling a little less heavy but her head was pounding now and that dizzy feeling was starting to come back. She had reached Morgan's office and she couldn't help but feel bad for how she had treated him that morning. He looked up when he heard the soft knock on his door. Morgan truthfully was surprised to see her standing there he thought for sure he would have to seek her out. JJ was tired and defeated at that point; he could tell all the fight she had a couple hours ago was gone.

"I'm sorry…" she started until Morgan was right there hugging her.

"Stop. I should be the one apologizing. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I just miss him so much…" JJ replied finally letting all her tears fall against his shirt.

He stood there holding her tightly and rubbing her back, "I know, I know. Just let it come."

They stayed that way until JJ couldn't cry anymore. This only caused the pain of her headache to get worse and not only did she feel dizzy but nauseous too. She faltered a bit as she let go of Morgan's embrace. And almost as quickly as he had let her go he grabbed her arm to steady her leading her to a chair.

"Hey are you ok?"

JJ was now holding her head because she just wanted to lie down so the pain both physical and emotional would go away.

"JJ talk to me."

"Huh? Yeah, my head is just pounding right now. I don't feel very well."

Morgan eyed her trying to figure out if she was telling the truth and what he should try and get her to do next. Much to his surprise it was easier than expected.

"Would you mind just taking me home, I don't think I can do this today."

"Of course. Wait here and I'll grab your stuff."

Morgan left his office and JJ pulled her phone out of her pocket. Concentrating really hard to text Hotch and let him know.

_JJ: Major headache. Morgan is going to take me home if that is ok._

Hotch saw this message come through and now was more worried than before. JJ had been getting these headaches more and more frequently lately. He figured at first that they were grief related but now he hoped he was right. He made a mental note to talk to JJ about that later.

_Hotch: Of course. I'll check in on you later._


	13. The Comfort of Friends

Chapter12: The Comfort of Friends

Morgan sat in silence as with JJ as he drove her home. It concerned him that she sat there with her head laid back against the seat with her eyes closed. When they reached the condo Cate was so excited to see them both.

"Mommy your home!" Cate ran into her legs giving her a big hug.

"Hi baby"

Sara looked confused as to why JJ was home so early and why Derrik was with her at that. JJ could see that she was confused JJ felt confused herself as her pain worsened she just wanted to lie down.

"Headache, I just want to lie down for awhile, do you think you could occupy her with some things this afternoon."

"Of course. Are you going to ok here by yourself?" Sara had seen the worst of some of the headaches and wasn't sure she should leave her alone but wasn't sure how much Derrik knew either.

"I can stay for awhile, make sure she is okay," Derrik chimed in not really sure what was going on but he knew it was something.

Sara wasn't sure and she looked at JJ ready to follow whatever lead she was needed her to take especially today.

"We'll be fine go ahead and take her Sara."

After Cate left JJ could let the façade that she was putting on for her daughter go and completely let the pain release. She stood there frozen unsure of what she should do and trying to determine if moving would make her sick. Morgan could visibly see that her pain was getting worse.

"JJ"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you lie down for a bit see if that helps?" Morgan was trying desparately to read what she needed but she had that vacant stare in her eyes, the one he had seen too often in the last two months.

JJ didn't know what she wanted to do, between the pain and the all of a sudden being consumed by all her emotions she felt stuck. Her tears slowly began and she did not bother to stop them.

"I can't be here."

Morgan knew this was hard for her but the longer she stood there the more pale she became, "I'm right here with you and I'm not going anywhere."

It became apparent to him that he would need to guide her through this. He gently took her by the arm and lead her to her bedroom. On an ordinary day he would not go through his friend's personal clothing but today he told himself he would have to make an exception. Luckily there was a laundry basket sitting at the base of the bed. He found a pair of sweats and sweatshirt so she could be comfortable. Leading her to the attached bath he placed the clothes on the sink shutting the door softly. He went back to the kitchen to get her some water so she could take something before lying down. When he came back JJ was sitting on the side of the bed staring at the family photo that sat on the end table of her, Will, and Cate. He handed her the water and she took what looked to Morgan like a prescription.

He then climbed on the left side of the bed knowing it was hers because Will used to joke all the time that it didn't matter what side of the bed she slept on she ended up taking up the whole thing but when it really came down to it she slept best on her left side. He momentarily let his mind flash back to that morning where Dan and he had given Will crap for using being tired as an excuse for loosing at basketball.

JJ turning to look at him snapped him from his thoughts. He simply opened his arms and without words she laid against his chest sobbing just as she did the night before the funeral. After about five minutes her breathing started to even out, Morgan could tell she was not sleeping so he took his chance to ask.

"How long?"

"On and off for a couple of weeks. Mostly at night when I try to sleep."

"Have you seen someone for them?"

"My doctor thinks it is all grief related, she gave me some medication to see if it would help."

"Does it?"

"It takes the edge off. But it doesn't make the pain of missing him go away."

At this point she was looking up at Morgan, "I know princess but no pill will do that only time will."

JJ let out a heavy sigh not sure what she wanted to do at that point. She knew Morgan was right but right now every fiber of her being hurt both physically and emotionally. Today was supposed to be her day, her happy ending. As she continued to fight pain and her own thoughts Derrik contemplated where to go next.

"What are you thinking?"

"That you are right. But everything just feels turned upside down. I feel like my head is under water and I just can't get it up to breathe."

"That is when you have to lean on all of us for support. I know it feels like nothing is right at the moment and that nothing will be normal ever again but it will get to some kind of normal I promise. And until then we are all here for you whatever you need."

JJ tightened her arms around Derrik and he did the same. It felt good to know that she was loved and safe even if it was only for a few moments. In the security of Derrik's arms JJ let herself drift to sleep.


	14. Special Days

Chapter 13 Special Days

Derrik knew JJ had finally given into sleep because her entire body had relaxed. He was glad because he knew that she probably hadn't been sleeping well at all. He could feel his phone start to buzz on his side and he could only imagine which member of his team was calling to check to see if everything was okay. They had left hours ago and as far Hotch knew he was supposed to be coming back to work, it was now almost 4pm. So he carefully slipped her onto the bed without waking her and covered her with the blanket at the base of the bed. Quietly he stepped out of the room praying that she stayed asleep a little longer. Looking at his phone he saw he missed a phone call from both Penelope and Hotch the two people he expected. Not sure which he should call back first he decided on Hotch being his boss and all even though he knew he would catch hell from Penelope.

"Hotchner"

"Hey Hotch"

"How is she? You have been gone for hours," as soon as the words left his mouth Hotch knew that it sounded like he was acting as more than her boss but at that point he didn't care she was worrying him and right now he was her friend.

"She's ok and finally sleeping. She was really upset when we got here and it took her awhile to finally relax."

"Good she needs sleep it will help."

"Did you know about her headaches?"

"Yes I have seen her have a couple of them and prior to that she told me about them."

"And you didn't think sharing that with all of us would be helpful?"

"It wasn't my business to share and she is handling it which is what matters."

"This doesn't look like handling it Hotch this looks like JJ going thru the motions."

"We can't push her Morgan this takes time you know as well as I do."

"So what the hell would have happened if this hit her in the middle of a case during a take down and none of us knew?"

"Morgan I get you're concerned but that would never happen because she wouldn't be in a situation for it to and I don't have to justify my actions to you."

Morgan decided not to push it he was in no mood to go head to head with Hotch at the moment, "She just gets that look, like she is not even there it creeps me out."

"She'll get there Derrik it is just going to take time. Are you going to stay with her awhile longer?"

"Yeah I want to make she is okay when she wakes up and Sara is still out with Cate."

Hanging up both men sighed wishing they could do more knowing they couldn't.

* * *

Hotch looked up to find Rossi standing there, "Was that Morgan?"

"Yes, he is still with JJ"

"Today was coming, none of us could have prevented what happened today Aaron," Dave replied studying him knowing JJ hurting this much was getting to him as more than just a boss.

"I know doesn't mean it makes it any better."

"You're doing everything you can."

"I didn't say I wasn't."

"I know that look Aaron. It's the I somehow failed my team yet again look even though you had no control over the situation."

"JJ just lost Will 2 months ago."

"And you lost Haley almost a year ago. What's your point? You can be her boss and be her friend too,"

With that Dave walked out of Hotch's office simply shaking his head. Hotch couldn't help but think that he was right. He decided to finish his work and then call to see if she would be up for pizza with the kids.

* * *

After talking to Hotch, Morgan dialed Penelope's number wondering how much grief he was about to get from her.

"Hey there, how's my gumdrop doing?"

"Wow now witty greeting baby girl."

"Not today sweet cheeks. We are supposed to be in a church right now not where we are today."

"I know princess I wish I could change it as much as you do trust me."

"So how is she doing?"

"She's sleeping right now which is what she needs. She was really upset when we got here which is why it took me so long to call you back."

"I knew you would work your knightly magic and help make things better."

"I don't know about all that but at least she is resting."

"I don't think we should leave her alone tonight. What do you say I get everyone together and we meet you there with pizza?"

"I don't think she should be alone either but given how this morning went I'm not sure how well that will go over."

"Well we have to try," Penelope was tired and feeling helpless this was all she could think of to try and help.

"Ok baby girl we'll try."

"Leave everything to me."

With that Penelope hung up and Derrik prayed that they weren't about to make things worse.

_One hour later…_

JJ woke up feeling very foggy and groggy courteous of the medication her doctor gave her. Looking at the clock she realized that it was almost 6pm and she had been sleeping the better part of the afternoon. She had to admit she felt a little better than she did before and her headache was now just a dull ache. From the living room she could hear Cate's giggling and what sounded like Jack's as well. On top of that she heard voices, more than just Aaron's or Sara's. Looking at her phone she didn't see any missed calls so it made her wonder what she agreed to before she fell asleep. Walking out of her bedroom the closer she got to the main room she could hear the voices of her team. Leaning up against the wall she took in the site before her. Cate and Jack comically entertaining each member of her team and she couldn't help but smile.

Cate was the first to spot her, "Mommy your waked," she exclaimed running toward her and into her arms.

After hugging her tight Cate looked at her and pointed to the team, "Look Mommy it's a surprise special day."

"I see sweetie."

Cate wriggled down and pulled on JJ's hand, "I's hungry mommy come eat we was waiting for you."

All eyes were on JJ now as each member of the team held their breath not sure if they were about to embark on a repeat performance of that morning. JJ was momentarily stuck until Cate pulling her hand snapped her back to reality. _I can do this, I have to do this. _She let Cate guide her over to the couch next to Hotch and sat down. As this happened everyone in the room started to breathe again realizing she was willing to try and so would they. As she sat down she smiled at the people around her realizing how lucky she was to have each and every one of them. Morgan handed her a plate of pizza and Hotch leaned over saying something in her ear. She simply took his hand and squeezed it letting him know she was ok. It was happily ever after like it was supposed to be but JJ was slowly learning that sometimes life isn't always a fairytale.


	15. A Little Bit of Hope

Chapter 14: A Little Bit of Hope

JJ woke up that morning feeling refreshed and much better than she had in months. Her headaches had finally started subsiding and she had finally decided to start talking with someone. Hotch and she had also begun spending more time with each other just the two of them. It helped to just let everything out and she found the more she did the more back to herself the back to herself she felt.

So today six months later she had hope that things would be okay. And today was also a very special day; today Cate was four years old. Just as JJ let that thought cross her mind her very excited four year old came running in.

"Mommy! It's my birthday!" Cate shouted excitedly as she jumped on JJ's bed as Sarah trailed behind her.

"Someone's excited," Sarah stated plainly rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"I see. Happy Birthday Baby,"

"Is it time to go to my party yet?"

"No your party is not for a few hours sweetheart," JJ replied looking at her very disappointed daughter, "We have things to get ready before we go."

"Come on let's go get breakfast so mommy can get ready."

Sarah scooped up Cate who bounced happily in her arms and JJ knew this was going to be a long day but she didn't mind because it was happy. Just as she was going to get up her phone went off.

"Good morning sweet pea, how's my god baby doing on her birthday morning?"

"She is very excited; please tell me you did not go over the top Penelope."

"There is no such thing as over top for my little gumdrop."

"Garcia…"

"Sorry Sweet pea got to go there's lots to do, don't forget 12pm sharp don't be late!"

Then there was a click and all JJ could do was sigh because she knew there was no stopping Garcia at this point and she was sure Rossi was funding it all. At that JJ decide it was now or never.

Within a few hours JJ was all ready to go and Cate was dancing around in her tutu princess dress that they had bought together at the mall last weekend. Her hair was all curled and JJ couldn't help but think how much she looked like her Daddy right at that moment. Around her neck she wore the locket that JJ had given her last night that held a picture of her and Will. In Cate's eyes it meant her Daddy would always be close to her heart.

"Are you ready to go sweetie?"

"Yes, yes, yes" Cate yelled jumping up and down.

JJ got Cate all settled, along with the other few things that needed to go with her. Sarah had gone ahead to help. JJ had one stop they felt they had to make before they made it to the party.

"Mommy are we going to the party?"

"We will be I thought we might go see Daddy first."

JJ turned back and Cate just smiled at her. She knew her she was ok with it, though Cate was doing better she had her moments where her grief still took over. It only took about ten minutes to get to that all too familiar place. Looking at the clock it almost going on noon and she knew they were going to be a little late but Garcia was just going to have to understand. JJ let Cate out of the car and watched her go to the spot where her Daddy was buried as she stood back a little to let her have time. Today JJ felt a little more at peace walking slowly towards the headstone. She watched as Cate walked a little way to pick some flowers and she took that as a sign.

"I know you're used to seeing me here almost everyday but I think I'm going to be ok now. I will always miss you and love more than anything in world we both will. But I think we are both going to be ok because you are always with us. So I won't be here everyday but on days when Cate and I come together. Our baby girl is 4 today, it's hard to believe. I feel like just yesterday I held her in my arms. I love you Will."

JJ felt Cate come back and take her hand she closed her eyes for a moment. She could hear Will's voice in her head whispering _I love you._ She would never be completely whole again but he would always be with her.

Looking down at Cate she smiled, "You ready?"

Cate shook her head yes.

Back in the car JJ noticed the time, 12:30, Garcia was going to kill her.

* * *

"She is not coming," Garcia let out an exasperated sigh, "this was too much too soon."

Despite Sarah and Derrik's best efforts they were doing nothing to ease her mind that her gumdrop and little gumdrop were going to show up. So to busy herself she continued to rush around trying to make sure everything was perfect. Just as she checked on the cake again she felt a tug on her shirt. Looking down she found Jack staring up at her, "Auntie Penelope is Cate here yet?" he asked impatiently.

Hotch couldn't help but smile, Jack was nothing if not impatient.

"Not yet buddy but can you do me a big favor and make sure the bounce house is extra bouncy for when she gets here?"

Jack's face now lit up at Garcia's request, "Sure!" he exclaimed running off toward the bounce house.

Garcia looked a Hotch with a defeated look on her face, "Should we be worried?"

"I don't think so. I think JJ might of just needed a little extra time prepare. She would not let her daughter miss her birthday party."

Garcia smiled knowing Hotch was right. She decided since he was at her disposal she would utilize his assistance with adding some additional balloons and streamers to things. Hotch rolled his eyes as he saw what she had in mind but decided to be a good sport if it made her happy until JJ got here.

* * *

JJ had noticed as they grew closer to the park that Cate's happy humming had stopped and she was now nervously looking out the window. _Not today, please not today _she thought to herself.

"Sweetie are you ok?"

Cate just nodded not saying anything as JJ pulled into the large parking lot. She pulled in near he team members so it would make loading the car easier later. JJ could see from the parking lot that Garcia had gone all out in honor of her four year old. JJ unhooked Cate's car seat and met her daughter's uneasy face.

"I don't want to go, I want to go home," Cate stated in a small voice.

"Sweetie it's your birthday you have been talking about this for weeks you don't want to go have cake and ice cream, open presents, and play?"

She knew what would follow next, "No there's too many people it's not safe."

Cate didn't like large crowds of people even if she knew them. Since she could walk she had experienced anxiety for at least the first 30 minutes of being someplace if it wasn't just the team that was around. And in this case it was everyone; the team, Will's family, and her family which made for a large number of people.

"Cate honey it's everyone you know and Mommy will be with you."

"No, no, no," Cate shook her head, "I need Daddy. I want Daddy!" With that her lower lip started to quiver and big tears rolled down her face.

JJ rubbed her temples as she stared helplessly at her crying daughter today was not turning out like she planned. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she texted someone she thought would be better equipped at convincing Cate to stay.

_I need you._


	16. A Little Bit of Happy

Chapter 15: A Little Bit of Happy

Morgan felt his phone buzz on his hip and with a sigh he pulled it out praying it was not about a case because Garcia would murder someone if a serial killer disrupted her goddaughter's birthday party. Looking at his phone he was relieved to see it was from JJ but then at the same time was confused by the message. He texted back definitely needing clarification before he alerted anybody else to what was going on.

_Where are you?_

Almost instantly he got a reply. _In the parking lot Cate won't get out of the car I need your help._

_On my way._ That made more sense as he strode with a purpose toward the parking lot only to be stopped by Emily and Dan.

"Where are you heading in a hurry?" Emily asked

"JJ needs a little help with Cate."

"Crowds?" Dan asked simply knowing exactly why she needed reinforcements.

"Yeah and Will too I think."

Emily looked at both of them as if they were speaking a foreign language. Dan caught her confused look and proceeded too explain, "Cate doesn't like large groups of people whether she knows them or not. Get her someplace beyond with all of us and she goes into panic mode. Will used to be her safety until she completely warmed up."

Now it made more sense, Emily knew this from JJ telling her but had never actually seen it happen. It made Emily sad that such a little girl had to miss her Daddy so much. She knew that JJ was healing she knew that. The 2am phone calls and crying on cases were few and far between now. But Emily still knew that the road for her as a single parent was a struggle especially at times like this.

Dan had noticed she spaced off as they watched Morgan walk towards the parking lot, "Penny for you thoughts."

Emily looked back at him, "It's nothing it just made me sad for Cate and JJ. No one should have to go through this."

"No they shouldn't but that is why she has all of us. And she is getting much better at asking for help which is good." Dan's mind briefly took him back to that day at the hospital when she saw his lifeless body. He wouldn't let himself do that it didn't do any good. Will was his best friend, his partner that day would never leave his mind and neither would his guilt.

"Hey don't do that," Emily said softly touching his arm.

"Do what?"

"Blame yourself. I know he was your best friend and your partner but this was not your fault." Emily knew all too well about survivor's guilt.

"I know sometimes it's just hard when they struggle."

"But like you said that is when we are all there to help them along."

With that Emily led him towards the others to fill them in and distract his thoughts from taking him any further.

JJ was amazed that it only took Derrik 5 minutes to get to the car but then again no she wasn't because she asked and when she asked he dropped everything to make sure they had what they needed. For that JJ was truly grateful; he and Dan had been her immediate strength over the last six months. He looked at her and hugged her; they didn't need words he knew she wasn't in the least bit ready to process this current situation so he went to work on helping make it better in what little way he could.

"Hey princess."

Cate simply waved slightly through her sniffles and tears. It broke his heart when she cried, he hated it. JJ had sat back in the driver's seat contemplating if this was even a good idea to push Cate. She knew her daughter had to face life without her Dad but it did not make it any easier. She watched as Cate let Morgan pick her up and climb into the passenger seat with her.

"Why are you crying sweetheart, it's your birthday." Morgan treaded carefully because he did not want to upset her more.

"IwantDaddyImisshimIdon'…" Cate wailed altogether burying her head into Morgan's neck sobbing.

It took him just a minute to decipher he little nieces run on sentence because he had done this with her several times in the last 6 months.

"Shh its okay," he soothed as he rubbed circles around her back trying to calm down, "Remember our deal princess?"

Cate shook her head no because right at that moment she was too upset to remember. Morgan tried to remind her every now and then so she would start to just come to him before the meltdown started when they were altogether. At least that was his hope and JJ's too. JJ remembered Morgan asking her if he could help be one of Cate's safeties especially when she could not find JJ. She was more than happy to let him ease the pain of the void Cate felt and again she felt grateful for her team.

Morgan moved Cate out slightly so he could see her as he wiped the stray tears from her eyes, "Remember Uncle Derrik told you he would always stay with you when you need him to until all the scary goes away?"

A small smile came on her face; she did remember her uncle telling her this. He wasn't her Daddy but he helped her feel safe like her Daddy used too. He was big and strong and would make sure all the bad people and monsters stayed away. Cate thought for a moment of how she felt about this before she nodded yes to him.

"You won't let go?" she asked quietly.

"Not until you say it's ok"

"I don't like when it's really loud," she went on.

"Then you try really hard to listen to the sound of my voice whispering in your ear," Morgan knew he almost had her because that was exactly what Will used to do with her.

"Will it be fun when the scary goes away?"

"You bet it will be. There's a bounce house, face painting, pony rides, and soo much more."

Cate looked at JJ for confirmation on this because she wasn't so sure her Uncle Derrik knew about birthday parties.

"He's right Auntie Penelope way out did herself. And there is a big cake with your name on it and lots of presents." JJ stated knowing she was coming around as she watched her visibly relax.

Morgan could feel her physically relaxing in his arms as he pushed a few stray hairs from her face, "You think you want to try?"

"Will you hold me?"

"Of course."

"Ok only if you hold me."

JJ fixed Cate's barrettes and sprayed the stray pieces of hair back knowing all too well that her head was going right back to Morgan's shoulder. Which it did as they got out of the car, and JJ breathed a sigh of relief as she prayed this was the last episode of the day but something told her it wouldn't be.

Looking at Morgan she knew he was concerned about her but it wasn't about her not right now not until later, "Thank you."

"Don't even start that; I love you two and it isn't a problem but as always you're welcome."

They had made to the team and JJ still remained nervous as to how this would go. Dan hugged her as he saw in her eyes this day was not going the way she wanted. She wanted so much to be happy but he knew with Will missing she often wondered how that would happen again. Hotch watched her knowing she was about ready to explode. Her whole demeanor had changed from when he saw her this morning. He wanted nothing more than to whisk her away from everyone and just give her a moment but he knew she had to make sure Cate was going to successfully make it out of Morgan's arms.

"Hey there my little princess; happy birthday," Garcia said softly rubbing Cate's forehead. She already knew why were late as Emily had filled in the blanks. Her poor god baby's eyes were puffy and red from crying her little heart out.

Cate waved at Penelope tightening her grip on Morgan as she started to see more people coming near them. He noticed that her grandparents, both sets, were heading their way along with various aunt's and uncles coming to say hello. Morgan managed to get her to lift her head so he could lean his forehead against hers. As he did he slowly whispered into to her ear and her grip started to loosen. Morgan was impressed that her relatives did not engage just yet knowing she needed time. He started to feel Cate want to slide out of his grip; there we go she was now at least planted on the ground. She still stood right under Morgan but he just waited patiently.

Hotch had decided to go in search of Jack hoping that he would help ease some of Cate's nerves. It didn't take long to convince him to come out of the bounce house when he told him. He immediately took Hotch's hand happened still on occasion as they reached everyone.

"Hi Cate," Jack waved smiling at her.

Cate waved back but still didn't make a move from where she almost literally was standing on Morgan's feet. JJ watched her out of the corner of her eye as she continued to talk to her mom and Will's.

Rossi was the next to try and engage her hoping she would take the bait he was about to offer. It was her birthday after all she shouldn't need to be sad and upset.

"Hey Cate I hear that there is a very special pink princess crown with your name on it," Rossi said to her as he knelt down making eye contact with her.

Her eyes grew wide and Dave knew he had her as a smile from ear to ear spread across her face, "What do say you, me, and Jack go find it and check out all the cool things there are to do."

Please let this worked JJ prayed. Cate fiddled some with her locket, "It's my birthday," she said with the same pretty smile on her face.

"It is? I thought it was my birthday. Is that why all this stuff is here?" Rossi said back dramatically

"Duuuh," she said in an oh so Prentiss way, "It's my birthday silly not yours."

"Well we had better go find that crown so no one gets confused." He held out his and Cate took it.

JJ watched as Cate happily walked away with Dave and Jack in search of her crown. Letting out a sigh of relief as Morgan squeezed her arm as he walked past she politely ended her conversation. She started walking going in search of something, what she wasn't sure. She felt Hotch come up beside her and take her hand. He led her away from all the commotion to a quiet gazebo a few feet away.

"Breathe," he instructed knowing she just needed to release the tension of the last half hour.

At that JJ breathed out breaking down in sobs against his chest. Hotch didn't try to stop it he just let it come. He had come to figure out in the course of all this if he could get her to release when she needed to she was able to regroup and move on much faster. So that is what he had been doing for the last four months. Sometimes they talked and other she just cried but whatever she needed he was there.

JJ looked up at him sighing wiping away any stray tears that were left, "Ok I'm good."

"You sure?"

"Yep."

This was one of those times where she just needed to regroup so she could go back into mom mode. As they walked back JJ again took Hotch's hand and he didn't mind if that was what she needed then it was fine.

JJ had visibly relaxed as she sat with various people still able to keep her eye on Cate who was now happily playing enjoying her party. A couple hours went by and the kids went back to playing after they ate. JJ and Emily were deep in a conversation about nothing in particular when Mrs. Jareau found them.

"JJ honey there's a little problem you might want to come by the slide dear."

"What's wrong mom?" JJ was trying not to worry but her mother didn't generally make a big deal out things.

"Cate is at the top crying refusing to come down. Your father meant well but I think he forgot that fun slides aren't really her thing," Mrs. Jareau stated looking at her sympathetically.

JJ recalled that water park incident with the high up slide on their last trip to Pennsylvania before Will died and knew that her poor daughter had hit another trigger that no one could have possibly known about.

As JJ, Emily, and Mrs. Jareau returned to the slide JJ could hear Cate's hysterical cries from the top. Morgan was now taking stairs two at a time as Rossi had come to get him. Cate willingly let him pick her up and carry her down the stairs.

"I want Mommy!" she cried into his chest for the second time that day.

"Okay hold on princess we're going to Mommy," he was much more careful going down the stairs with her in his arms.

JJ was waiting for them at the bottom with Mr. Jareau who had apologized about a hundred times already. JJ reassured him it wasn't him it was going to happen at some point again today. Cate reached for her burying her face in her neck still crying.

"Shh, baby its okay, you're okay."

JJ walked over towards the tent where Hotch and Emily sat. She sat down with Cate still rubbing her back to let her calm down. She dug in her bag with her other hand pulling out Cate's small blanket giving it to her knowing it would help some. And it did Cate's crying turned into sniffles as she rubbed her eyes. JJ knew this was a combination of no nap and too much activity.

"Sweetie you want to sit with Auntie Emily for a few minutes. Mommy is going to go find Auntie Penelope so we can do cake," JJ asked knowing they had small window before total meltdown occurred because of lack of sleep.

Emily gladly took the little girl who quickly made herself comfortable.

"What kind of cake?" Cate asked looking up at Emily.

"Chocolate with strawberries and pretty pink frosting."

"That's my favorite!"

Cate's minor slide meltdown was starting to float slowly to the back of her mind now as she focused on what Emily had just told her.

"I think that is the point sweetie, you are the birthday girl," Emily laughed slightly as did Hotch.

It amazed Emily how one minute the world was ending and the next everything was better because there was her favorite cake. Emily had learned a lot from Jack and Cate over the last six months. Dan and she had made a conscious effort to relieve JJ every now and then spending time together with Cate. Dan had now made his way over and was talking with Cate which was making her giggle. Emily smiled as she watched the two of them interact; maybe a family wouldn't be so bad after all. Dan caught her smile and smiled back. He was just about to say something as Garcia and JJ walked back with everyone and Cate's very big cake.

The look in her little girl's eyes when she saw her cake was priceless. It made today worth it because even though there were difficult moments today they were happy, truly happy. It would never be the same but JJ knew Will wouldn't want their lives to stop. Today just as it started happy it now ended happy. JJ looks around at each of her team, her family knowing she was strong enough to keep going.


End file.
